It will come as a surprise to most (because it is for me) to hear that I’ll be moving back to Memphis, Tennessee at the end of August from Dallas, Texas. This is an exciting but excruciating decision and I’m experiencing both emotions at the same time!!!

I can state (with no exaggeration) that to make any other decision would be disobedience. The circumstances and change in my heart make it clear that God’s hand has orchestrated everything!

For years I have refused to return to Memphis. Many things contributed to this statement and it would be difficult to list them all. Suffice it to say that I was rather adamant and even had my mom’s agreement! How things change!

I have realized, after talking with friends, that the planning and preparation for Destination:Unknown (a pretty cool “mystery” trip[s] we planned earlier last year) re-established connections and a love for the city of Memphis and people that has been dormant.

Little did I know that we were also establishing connections between Northwest and a city I would soon return to! I’m thankful God has shown me that, in more ways than one, I will not be leaving friends “behind”.

I will become the Director of Marketing for Crichton College. This will be a new role for the college and I’m excited to find a position that integrates so many of my interests and skills - from marketing and design, to education and urban ministry. Another aspect of the role that I’m looking forward to is the opportunity to teach as an adjunct professor in the Biblical Studies and the Adult and Professional Studies departments. This is a long-time dream and I’m looking forward to seeing how it shapes (potential) future studies!

Another bonus: Mom moved to Memphis four years ago, so I will be close to family again. “Close proximity to family” is something I have missed recently.

I’m VERY sad to leave the friendships I have in Dallas. When I consider this reality I am, literally, pained. I have been honored with friends who have encouraged celebrated, and supported me through some great and not-so-great moments. It is hard to imagine recreating this family.

I will move at the end of August. I hope we have the chance to see each other before my departure. However, if we are not able to connect, rest assured that I will be visiting Dallas in the future and you are welcome to visit me in Memphis!

With love . . .

… where’s Charlie?

Yes … I’m a sucker but I fully own the label. 

It has been a long and hard couple of weeks … with some great fun in between.

I continue to adjust to this journey of “leaving normal behind”. This may be the biggest dynamic of these difficult weeks … recognition of the daily (and many) internal struggles, “naming” them correctly, and finally, acting/thinking properly. It is an exhausting and slow process … one step forward often requires a few steps back.

I have spent much of the last two months trying to “rest” my mind from all the work we did during the leave of absence. However, this is frustrating because it seems so lazy! But it is so good too!

Oh, the complexities and tension of life.

Thankfully, I (occasionally) remember that I must extend grace to myself. This reality provokes a question that I have not been intentional about considering, “How does my inability to accept grace or mercy from others reflect my understanding of God’s grace for me?” My original answer was quick and certain regarding the sufficiency of Christ’s death and the grace it offers. However, I realize this question requires another level of exploration and a willingness to expose deep, ingrained beliefs that often belie our “head” knowledge.

In other news … last weekend was a momentous occasion for our family. Jason flew into the States for the first time in 18 months, our entire family gathered for Mamaw’s 80th birthday party, and Mom and Dad “saw” each other for the first time since the divorce (almost five years ago). I don’t have photos from the party but I decided to post a photo of Jason and Jared captured during Jared’s trip to Prague this Spring. Handsome men, hmmm?

It was a great day. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to spend more time in Ft. Smith with our family but the short time was so good. I miss living close to family. Times like last weekend remind me how far away I do live. I don’t think the entire “event” could have gone better … I was encouraged and thankful.

Jason drove with me back to Dallas and spent two days here before flying back to Prague. It was a short visit but I’m thankful for it. I hope to someday visit him in Europe!

The hardest part about the last week was being sick. Since last Friday (almost eight days) I have been frustrated with various forms of yuckiness. Tuesday through Thursday I could hardly function because of awful headaches (migraines?), neckache, and nausea. My eyes were VERY weird and I was literally incapable of working. It started to concern me, especially when Mom became worried after I slept 14 hours Wednesday night. Well … yesterday (Friday) morning I discovered the culprit of my “sickness”. I simply encourage you to make sure you are taking, and combining, the correct medications. Without going into details I was not …

However, I woke up today in great shape and thankful for a new day. I also hope that I will be more intentional about getting “back” to work on my “inner life” (spiritual, emotional, etc.) This is a lifelong process and nothing will stop it … as hard as I might try! (Although it occasionally provides me with the perception of rest … this is good too.)

The video (attached below) contains one of my favorite hymns. I became fond of the hymn when I was sixteen and struggling to understand the tragic deaths of so many friends. The phrase I remember repeating at that time was, “… even if it is by my fingertips, cling to my faith in Christ and the promises of shelter and rescue in Scripture. ” This hymn became a reminder and hope.

Thank you to so many who continue to post comments and write notes of encouragement. I cannot adequately express how meaningful they have been. Because of my health I haven’t responded as quickly (or at all) to your notes. Know they are not taken for granted and have been a huge gift.

I know … it’s not a personal update from me. But … hopefully it’ll come soon! But the quick version:

• I’m doing well.
• Need more sleep.
• Very distracted.
• Not focusing on much of what I “learned” during my leave of absence.
• Twin brother arrives in Memphis today.
• Entire family travels to Ft. Smith, AR on Saturday for my grandmother’s 80th birthday.
• And Charlie’s a full load of mess.
• Pray for all of the above!

Anyway, back to the video. Yes … I cried. Maybe because I never hit a homerun in my career. But more likely because of the women these players proved themselves to be. I admire their ability to put competitiveness and drive aside, for a moment, to care and honor Sara’s personal accomplishment. Pretty cool.

(fyi … this isn’t about Celine Dion)

I’m thankful to say that I woke up this morning (after four hours of sleep) in a much better frame of mind and a new sense of peace. I don’t like this to be simply a logbook of emotions but after the evening I had I thought it would be good to touchbase again. I certainly don’t want anyone to become concerned!

A new day has begun!

ok … maybe not … but I did bring him into the pool this past weekend. Charlie came away with some new toys (pool thermometer, rafts, etc.) while I came away with a painful bruise! …

Charlie wasn’t too fond of his pool “playtime”. In fact, I think he might have a bit of “cat” in him because his claws came out! While he didn’t struggle he did try to grip onto me pretty tight.

Eventually he calmed down and enjoyed some floating in the pool I’ve attached one photo and will try to upload more tomorrow.

Enjoy!

Apparently it has been almost one month since I last posted to this blog. It’s been an eventful time. Here’s a taste of what has been “going-on” recently, and in the not-so-recent past. (Just in case you might think it is … this list is not meant to be exhaustive.)

• I started back to work after my leave of absence on April 28th
• I continue to learn about caring and training my new puppy dog (and walking him twice a day - almost two hours!)
• I’ve lost almost 25 lbs.! (Whoo hooo! I’ve still got a ways to go but we’re on a good track. One of the antidepressant medications i began taking last year caused me to gain around 30 lbs. within a very short period of time. Taking it off hasn’t been as easy!)
• Began (and continue to) adjust to various transitions in relationships and responsibilities at work.
• Continued seeing Dianne (my counselor) at least once a week
• Played
• Became addicted to Paperback Swap.
• Continued to monitor and increase or change various medications for depression, anxiety, and ADHD.
• Began to rebuild relationships and share about the last months and years.
• Said good-bye to a dear co-worker who returned to his home and ministry in Tanzania.
• Added another new “hobby” (a.k.a. “acceptable addiction”): collecting Fenton Milk Glass and vintage/antique cake plates.
• Laughed
• Pretended like I had money to spend.
• Met new friends in the neighborhood.
• Hoped
• Celebrated several birthdays.
• Enjoyed the visit of a dear college friend.
• Cried
• Savored casual and spontaneous time(s) with friends.
• And the list goes on.

I can’t say it has been easy because, frankly, it hasn’t. Many days have been great but there have been, and are are, moments and days that take my breath away. In fact, I sent the following text to several friends tonight. (The message was in response to a text I received from a friend who recognized a “shift” tonight)

… Sending this [text] to a few of you as I walk Charlie so that I don’t hide. (Which is habit!) Nevermind that I’m walking alone and distracted [by the texting] at night. Shhhh … don’t tell Mom!

Thanks for the reminder. ["Remember ur not superwoman, that God takes great delight in you & ur appreciated! Rest well & enjoy your walk! Ps. 4:8"] Trying to learn that. Taking steps backward the last couple of weeks. Yep … I am weak and the opinions and thoughts of others are often held higher than, or as an alternate to, God’s. Wish I feared God more and man less.

I felt very defeated and inept tonight. Nothing huge happened … just the culmination of much. I actually reverted to older “escape and flea” thoughts as I drove home. Makes me sad and insecure in everything learned recently.

Sleep deep my friend(s)! Love, Christy

Today began well and ended poorly.  This is a little discouraging.  Yet I also realize that I have taken new steps tonight so that I remain available and vulnerable with friends. I am handling this differently. The tears are for a purpose. They fit the situation and I am not hiding.  I do, however, need to take time for introspection and internal processing.

I have missed writing and the opportunity it has given me to think about life, God, experiences, faith, work, reality and where/how these intersect.  I have also missed simply sharing my story and hearing from others. I plan to be more consistent!  (Just remember those mice and men!)

This journey is not easy and we were not promised it would.

I am thankful for family and friends who
encourage
challenge
love,
and accept me.
I see Christ in them.
May I be the same.

The Everyday
I started back to work this week after a two month leave of absence. I can say without a doubt that God surprised me with the ease of the week. I have much to write but want to take some time (hopefully this evening) to put my thoughts in order. A strange use of “beauty”?

Maybe … but it is representative of the gift it was! I hope to be more consistent writing now that I’ve started back to work and am used to having a new puppy around!

The Not-So-Everyday
I’m not sure how I found this clip but it amazes me everytime I watch it and I think I’ve viewed the video over five times within the last hour! I am overwhelmed by such athletic and beautiful exhibitions. It inspires me … to what? ha! Who knows!

Victor Da Silva & Hanna Karttunen Dance Masters Paris 2007

Happy Saturday!

It’s been over a week since my last post and all for good reason. (Anything else would be unacceptable!)

Houston
Last Thursday I was able to fly to Houston to spend a couple days with my college roommate, Maria, and her family. I hadn’t seen the children in almost three years so it was pretty cool to hang out with them and learn their personalities. Maria’s husband, Paul, provided us a night away at Hotel Galvez. We found a great place to eat on the sea wall and for the rest of the evening just hung out, watched a movie, and talked.

It was sometime after midnight that I had the thought …

“This feels so much like college. And yet it doesn’t.
So much has changed or happened to both of us.
Wow.
How cool to have a friendship that can withstand all of it.”

It was an interesting moment.

I absolutely loved the weekend … making new (and current) memories with Maria … seeing her parents again … being able to talk Webkinz with the kids (thank you Sophie!) … hearing the kids call Maria and Paul “Mommie and Daddy”. Pretty darn cool.

Longview
Earlier this month I was able to keep the (adorable) dog of a new friend for a couple weekends. It didn’t take long to fall in love with her. In fact, I think everyone does. (Ask my mother!) But I also realized that I really valued her companionship and simply enjoyed the time I got to spend with the puppy. I also explained to Dianne that I thought it was a pretty integral part of progress I made that week in “expanding my emotional range”.

After talking with Mom, Dianne, and my roommate I began to seriously consider adopting a dog and began reading and doing research on rescued dogs, breeds, and various organizations.

After some time I saw the profile for “Stocky” on the website for Partnership for Pets. Stocky is a rescued dog with a mix of Poodle, Westie, and Schnauzer. I knew almost immediately that he was “the one” from his photos and the bio. (ha! That was funny to write. After hearing me comment on various pet photos over a couple days my roommate noted, “This sounds like internet dating.” … I guess it sorta was. Except it was for a dog. Weird.)

Anyway, on Sunday afternoon I decided to take a two hour (one-way) trip to Longview, TX to meet Stocky. Good music, a beautiful afternoon, countryside, and I love to drive … there was nothing to lose.

And what a fun afternoon it was!

Wouldn’t you know that by the time I left Longview I had Stocky in the car with me!

All the details for the adoption had worked themselves out and PFP offered the opportunity to take him home rather than drive back another time. Wow! After meeting Stocky I couldn’t refuse!!

He immediately endeared himself to me and was a wonderful companion for the trip home. I knew I had picked a good dog when he went after my Dairy Queen Blizzard (Heath Bar with chocolate).

There is something about passing through small towns in Texas on a road trip that compels me to stop for a Blizzard! It seems almost un-American to not take the opportunity. (But just to clarify … only once … not in every town!)

Stocky was soon renamed “Charlie MacTavish”.

In some capacity, I knew i wanted to call him Mac. I only needed a first name and something to follow Mac. Whew! I now have some idea what it’s like for parents to name a child. The pressure!!!!

During my research for dog names (did you expect anything else?), I learned that “Tavish” means “twin”. That seemed appropriate since I am a twin. I went through all of my family names but nothing fit MacTavish and his personality until my roommate mentioned her Dad’s name, Charles.

Bingo!

“Charlie MacTavish” it would be.
We call him Charlie.
But the option exists for:
Mac
CMac
Mr. MacTavish

Sounds like I might be talking about Adam in the Garden, hmmm?

… sorry to disappoint but I’m not.

Instead, the title refers to a conversation I had with my counselor today. As of tomorrow I have 1 1/2 weeks before I return to work. Anxiety and fear is beginning to return. Did you note that I qualified the previous statement with “return”? Oh yes … anxiety and fear is nothing new.

Labels such as “overachiever” have been used to describe me and my work for many years. I’ve struggled with this term because it implies a competitiveness and ruthlessness. Instead, the work I do is not a competition but an effort to provide everything I can of myself and my abilities in order to serve “the Church” and other people. If there is a fear I possess, it is of failing. “Failing” to help others reach their dreams or caring for them in a time of need. “Failing” my church through selfishness of time, lack of discernment, or just simple forgetfulness. “Failing” my responsibility as a believer in Christ to be a light that directs people to the source of Life. The list goes on … and on … and on …

Failure (or the fear of failure) then becomes a way of defining myself and my value.

A vicious train of thought. This mindset clearly expects one thing: perfection. Of course, I would never agree that such a preposterous goal is attainable in this life. I recognize that I live, as a broken person, in a broken world. I rely on the triune God, therefore, for forgiveness and hope.

Why, then, do I have such an expectation of myself?

There are many reasons and some are very complex. Yet one of the most foundational elements of this mindset is a fear of others.

I am afraid that other (nebulous) people will see a fraud or a failure if I do not exceed their, and my, expectations in every dimension of life.

This is another statement that is difficult for me to own. How could I ever base my self-worth or validity as a friend, family member, or church staff member on the opinions of men? Surely I realize that my value and dignity is imparted by the God that created me and considers me His daughter?

Of course I do! Yet I am easily distracted from this truth. I am easily discouraged. And until Christ returns I continue to live in a broken world as a broken person trusting God to use the woundedness for purposes only He understands. I don’t, however, always trust that the (broad) Church will offer me grace or mercy in my failures.

So what am I naming? I am naming:

• A fear of others.
• Distrust in my eternal value to God and allowing, instead, value given (or not) by humans to be more powerful.
• Doubt that God is using circumstances arising from my life (i.e. missing work for seven weeks) for the growth and benefit of others.
• The desire for perfection.
• That “life” is unmanageable (whether physically, spiritually or otherwise.)
• The ongoing struggle I have with this issue.

There is even more to consider and write. (This is just the tip of the iceberg [think Titanic and not lettuce.]) Don’t be surprised to read more about this again. I’ve got a lot to learn!

i’ve been wanting to write another post but my neck and head/eyes are hurting terribly today. Some of you might remember that I had pretty bad neck pain after visiting my brother in Prague, last October, that lasted through January. I hope this isn’t the same problem but it hurts as bad. Pray it leaves quickly … because its miserable and I want to write about something else!

Happy Monday!

oh … I think I’m going to get a puppy dog! Dianne agreed that dogsitting Sophie has provided some “therapeutic” benefit. Kind of cheesy and emotional reasoning, but who knew!? ha! I have absolutely loved taking care of Sophie but researching rescued dogs is heartbreaking. I’ll keep you updated!

… I present to you Mom. Skydiving.
(Couldn’t resist Mom!!!)

For those living in the mid-South, check out West Tennessee Skydiving.

I read the following quote on a friends Facebook page tonight:

Darkness is an unlit wick;
it just needs Your touch, Beloved, to become a sacred flame.
~ St. Francis of Assisi

I was immediately drawn to this quote because, as I read it, it spoke to the reality of struggle and the “mess” of life, yet also to the hope (and responsibility) I have as a believer in Christ. This hope provides an opportunity for any situation or relationship to be redeemed …

But I don’t want to give the wrong impression … I don’t live in a daily “darkness”. At least not anymore. I might have for a while. (We often tend to whitewash the past, hmmm?) Besides, I tend to like grays better than black and white … so I need to hedge a bit anyways.

Today is Thursday so I visited Dianne (my counselor) this afternoon. Today’s session ranks either 2nd or tied for 1st in terms of emotion. Definitely 1st in terms of longevity of emotion. I’m thinking this might be good. Maybe? My assignment for today was to create two more collages: one on death (focusing on the ones from high school) and the second on work.

The entire time was spent reviewing every image, word, and phrase I chose. From the literal use of the term to its imagery to double-entendre meanings and expanding its use/application over the various phases I created. I enjoy the process of discussing each collage. I am able to see more nuance and depth than my original or literal usage. Creating the collage is slowly becoming more enjoyable. (I have now completed four.)

Both collages were pretty complex today. We again talked about the impact of the high school trauma on my emotional and physical reaction to stress at work. It’s very interesting and rather overwhelming to consider. It literally makes my head and eyes hurt! But then again, I didn’t wear my glasses today and they’re out of date anyway … so, maybe that was part of the problem Anyway, I seem to be up a creek! My assignment for Saturday is to make as many correlations/comparisons as possible between the two collages. Whew! I better get busy!

Strangely enough … I am having more trouble with staying on time and task during this time off than ever before. How in the world does that happen?!

Mom forwarded this to me via email today and I’ve also seen it passed around today by several friends. And although it seems to be making the rounds quickly, I couldn’t pass up another opportunity to share a video of something that not only makes me smile (quite big) but is also inspiring.

Enjoy!

yes… I have to agree with this post. I have drunk the kool-aid.

“Why downloading Firefox is like getting into college.”

I have spent the equivalent of a full work-week since last Wednesday playing with add-ons, extensions, themes, etc. and etc. Maybe a small exaggeration but let’s just say sleep has been missed. I removed Firefox a while ago and played instead with Flock. Not anymore. I have a pretty cool browser now that does exactly what I need it to do.

Memphis lost the 2008 NCAA Championship last night.

I was one free throw from winning two brackets.

I’m a little tardy updating the blog but I’ve been a little busy. This past weekend was a great weekend … the three F’s: friends, family, fun, and I guess I should add the one C: counseling.

Family
Last week had a lot of great times with family. I got to spend some fun time on the phone with Grandmom and Granddad. I laughed a lot. Especially concerning a comment Grandmom made regarding “playing outside this summer”. Let’s just say that I had a vision of sprinklers on the lawn. Granddad had me rolling laughing regarding a “ypdb”. I love my family!

Mom came into town last Thursday evening for a couple days. …

I’ve been trying to figure out how to visit her between counseling appointments during my leave of absence. Instead, I offered a spontaneous invitation to join me at counseling last week. Why? Because I literally don’t remember a lot of stuff from the “trauma” period. The memory is a little faulty. Dianne (my counselor) and I thought it would be useful to have her join me at a session to give some background and help fill in some of the blanks that I don’t remember. Plus, I knew we would have fun together!

We don’t require a lot for entertainment so it was a relaxed and (more than) satisfying time of talking, driving around, and talking some more … oh, and good food!

I didn’t know what to expect at the counseling session and didn’t really think much about it. Mom and I couldn’t stop giggling when we sat down because her commentary on the forms she needed to complete was hilarious! Especially when she got to the question, “Why are you here?” … we had a bit of fun with that one. Dianne even remarked, “I’ve never seen this side of you, Christy.”

Why did she see something different? Trust … confidence … a sense of joy … all these feelings, and more, just by having Mom nearby. It’s times like this weekend that I miss having family nearby. To be known by others (and know them) in complete ugliness and prettiness and still be loved completely is a place of strength and security.

Part of counseling last week was spent time on “trust” … do my thoughts, anxieties, and actions truly reflect trust in God for not only myself but others? A pretty intense question that requires significant thought. My first reaction is “Of course!”, yet if I really think about it I must say, “Hmmm … maybe not.”

Friends
The last week has been some sweet times of conversation with family and also friends. To learn that it is not only family that offers that grace and love. It requires a bit of risk but, in yet another understatement, it’s good. A place of freedom and rest.

Why do we expect so much of ourselves and so little from others?

The simple answer: we don’t want to be hurt. If expectations (hopes) are kept low then we anticipate an ignorant bliss. But if we’re honest with ourselves this thought process is only self-deception because we hurt anyway. But, even more importantly, we don’t get to truly experience joys. I’ve wondered in the past if we are so busy looking for hurt or the “bad” that we overlook the blessings that God sends our way.

How to we truly trust God and experience the fullness of life on earth without this risk? I want to answer, “I guess we don’t.” But it’s more than a “guess” …

That was a little rabbit-trail but it follows another lesson I’m learning through this process of letting others fully enter into my own pain and experiences. I didn’t realize that I had erected a protective wall … I have experienced such extreme pain and loss of friends in the past that I’ve (subconsciously) tried to prevent that from happening again. I love my friends dearly. The thought of relieving similar experiences from high school are inimaginable. The effort to protect myself created instead an emotional isolation.

Potential pain … we don’t want it. We try to prevent it. And in the process we hurt even more.

The protective wall is crumbling. Bit by bit.

… Trust … Risk … Pain … Love … Joy …

I want it all! (I think)

Imagine evaluating every thought, reaction, emotion, etc. for its “meaning”. Sounds like fun, hmmm? Tedious, maybe? I would agree … the last few weeks have been spent being acutely aware (or at least trying to be) of all of the motivations behind everything. It can be overwhelming at times. Especially when many of the answers are “I don’t know” … with a shrug, of course!

Tuesday Homework - Collage
My homework assignment for this past Tuesday was to create a collage on “emotions”. There were no other instructions … so, I’ve attached a photo of the collage I created. Some of the edges are cut off and it’s difficult to read some of the words, which is a shame. But it was interesting to put together.

The project is titled it, “A Journey of Leaving Normal Behind” …

hence, one reason for the new blog title. There are four “quadrants” which are somewhat interactive with one another and the column down the center has specific purpose and meaning. There is a lot of nuance in the placement of words and their meanings. Let me know if you’re curious!

Today’s Homework
Today, my assignment was to take my job and correlate what I see and experience through outreach with my own experiences. For instance, I know when I am working with the refugees that some of what they have experienced includes loss, suffering, death, separation from family, loneliness, confusion, etc. My experiences have produced similar events and reactions in my own life. The question then became, “What open wounds are being “pushed” on in my own life?” and “Where do I need healing?” It sounds so easy …

Validity.
Wow … a word loaded with meaning. Dianne and I revisited this because of my concerns regarding the events and processes that led to “today”, why depression and anxiety have resulted (should they have?), a perception of failure in terms of handling these things well in the past, and especially, concerns (whether real or perceived) whether others consider the events, outcome, and leave of absence as valid.

Lots to think about!

A good friend (also named Christy, just spelled wrong … with an “ie”) sent me this song last week. I’ve been wanting to upload it and just remembered today. I’ll reflect on it later … gotta run to my next appointment with Dianne!

yes … I’ve changed the layout and header again because I haven’t been satisfied with the image or the name.

“Leaving Normal Behind” …
… refers to all areas of life. I don’t want to be a “normal” Christian. I want to be different … to be someone that attracts people to Christ because of the different way I live. A different way I care for people than “normal”. But it also reflects the current process I’m in of redefining “normal” for everyday emotional, mental, and relational things.

I think I’ll keep it.
The name and the banner, that is.

But I’m still Shelby Louise’s Roommate. And I’ve attached a photo to prove it. Consider a loveseat … small, created to accommodate one (okay, maybe two) people. Beware, however, because nothing will keep her from claiming her territory … even someone already sitting on it.  Me, for instance! :-)  (And just in case you can’t tell, she’s perched on the back and arm.)