Leaving Normal Behind

Sounds like I might be talking about Adam in the Garden, hmmm?

… sorry to disappoint but I’m not.

Instead, the title refers to a conversation I had with my counselor today. As of tomorrow I have 1 1/2 weeks before I return to work. Anxiety and fear is beginning to return. Did you note that I qualified the previous statement with “return”? Oh yes … anxiety and fear is nothing new.

Labels such as “overachiever” have been used to describe me and my work for many years. I’ve struggled with this term because it implies a competitiveness and ruthlessness. Instead, the work I do is not a competition but an effort to provide everything I can of myself and my abilities in order to serve “the Church” and other people. If there is a fear I possess, it is of failing. “Failing” to help others reach their dreams or caring for them in a time of need. “Failing” my church through selfishness of time, lack of discernment, or just simple forgetfulness. “Failing” my responsibility as a believer in Christ to be a light that directs people to the source of Life. The list goes on … and on … and on …

Failure (or the fear of failure) then becomes a way of defining myself and my value.

A vicious train of thought. This mindset clearly expects one thing: perfection. Of course, I would never agree that such a preposterous goal is attainable in this life. I recognize that I live, as a broken person, in a broken world. I rely on the triune God, therefore, for forgiveness and hope.

Why, then, do I have such an expectation of myself?

There are many reasons and some are very complex. Yet one of the most foundational elements of this mindset is a fear of others.

I am afraid that other (nebulous) people will see a fraud or a failure if I do not exceed their, and my, expectations in every dimension of life.

This is another statement that is difficult for me to own. How could I ever base my self-worth or validity as a friend, family member, or church staff member on the opinions of men? Surely I realize that my value and dignity is imparted by the God that created me and considers me His daughter?

Of course I do! Yet I am easily distracted from this truth. I am easily discouraged. And until Christ returns I continue to live in a broken world as a broken person trusting God to use the woundedness for purposes only He understands. I don’t, however, always trust that the (broad) Church will offer me grace or mercy in my failures.

So what am I naming? I am naming:

• A fear of others.
• Distrust in my eternal value to God and allowing, instead, value given (or not) by humans to be more powerful.
• Doubt that God is using circumstances arising from my life (i.e. missing work for seven weeks) for the growth and benefit of others.
• The desire for perfection.
• That “life” is unmanageable (whether physically, spiritually or otherwise.)
• The ongoing struggle I have with this issue.

There is even more to consider and write. (This is just the tip of the iceberg [think Titanic and not lettuce.]) Don’t be surprised to read more about this again. I’ve got a lot to learn!