Leaving Normal Behind

I’m a little tardy updating the blog but I’ve been a little busy. This past weekend was a great weekend … the three F’s: friends, family, fun, and I guess I should add the one C: counseling.

Family
Last week had a lot of great times with family. I got to spend some fun time on the phone with Grandmom and Granddad. I laughed a lot. Especially concerning a comment Grandmom made regarding “playing outside this summer”. Let’s just say that I had a vision of sprinklers on the lawn. Granddad had me rolling laughing regarding a “ypdb”. I love my family!

Mom came into town last Thursday evening for a couple days. …

I’ve been trying to figure out how to visit her between counseling appointments during my leave of absence. Instead, I offered a spontaneous invitation to join me at counseling last week. Why? Because I literally don’t remember a lot of stuff from the “trauma” period. The memory is a little faulty. Dianne (my counselor) and I thought it would be useful to have her join me at a session to give some background and help fill in some of the blanks that I don’t remember. Plus, I knew we would have fun together!

We don’t require a lot for entertainment so it was a relaxed and (more than) satisfying time of talking, driving around, and talking some more … oh, and good food!

I didn’t know what to expect at the counseling session and didn’t really think much about it. Mom and I couldn’t stop giggling when we sat down because her commentary on the forms she needed to complete was hilarious! Especially when she got to the question, “Why are you here?” … we had a bit of fun with that one. Dianne even remarked, “I’ve never seen this side of you, Christy.”

Why did she see something different? Trust … confidence … a sense of joy … all these feelings, and more, just by having Mom nearby. It’s times like this weekend that I miss having family nearby. To be known by others (and know them) in complete ugliness and prettiness and still be loved completely is a place of strength and security.

Part of counseling last week was spent time on “trust” … do my thoughts, anxieties, and actions truly reflect trust in God for not only myself but others? A pretty intense question that requires significant thought. My first reaction is “Of course!”, yet if I really think about it I must say, “Hmmm … maybe not.”

Friends
The last week has been some sweet times of conversation with family and also friends. To learn that it is not only family that offers that grace and love. It requires a bit of risk but, in yet another understatement, it’s good. A place of freedom and rest.

Why do we expect so much of ourselves and so little from others?

The simple answer: we don’t want to be hurt. If expectations (hopes) are kept low then we anticipate an ignorant bliss. But if we’re honest with ourselves this thought process is only self-deception because we hurt anyway. But, even more importantly, we don’t get to truly experience joys. I’ve wondered in the past if we are so busy looking for hurt or the “bad” that we overlook the blessings that God sends our way.

How to we truly trust God and experience the fullness of life on earth without this risk? I want to answer, “I guess we don’t.” But it’s more than a “guess” …

That was a little rabbit-trail but it follows another lesson I’m learning through this process of letting others fully enter into my own pain and experiences. I didn’t realize that I had erected a protective wall … I have experienced such extreme pain and loss of friends in the past that I’ve (subconsciously) tried to prevent that from happening again. I love my friends dearly. The thought of relieving similar experiences from high school are inimaginable. The effort to protect myself created instead an emotional isolation.

Potential pain … we don’t want it. We try to prevent it. And in the process we hurt even more.

The protective wall is crumbling. Bit by bit.

… Trust … Risk … Pain … Love … Joy …

I want it all! (I think)