If this is the first post you are reading, you may want to read “What’s going on? … Part I” before beginning. However, if you prefer the Choose Your Own Adventure format more enjoyable you may start reading wherever you want but don’t expect to skip to another chapter … because well, it isn’t written yet! :-)

I had no idea as I was sitting in Dianne’s office during my first visit that she would soon become a weekly part of my life. In fact, two other questions I asked before the end of the session were, “What does success look like?” and “How will we get there?” The questions were my attempt to understand and categorize this unknown trajectory down which I was hurtling. Rather than an answer I received a chuckle. It was then that I knew I was about to be challenged in ways that I had no way of expecting.

I have been accused by my dear family of being “nosey” … I prefer to say that I am an information junkie that collects data from all sources, whether people, technology, or books. :-) I have a fascination with understanding various perspectives and decision making of people (a great excuse to watch reality television!); enjoy predicting the end of suspense novels or movies; and I particularly enjoy reading and research on just about any topic, particularly something that is applicable to my job or friends and family.

Individually, these are pretty mundane and normal activities … however, I’m coming to accept that in addition to their recreational value I have often used these as opportunities to understand or anticipate the future. This is not meant in a crystal ball sort-of-way but that they allow me to prepare mentally and emotionally for what “might” happen in various circumstances; a means of protection.

Confused about what value this holds for the conversation? Don’t be … just hold on to it. :-)

I don’t remember any of the conversations during my first few months of counseling. However, thankfully I journaled during that time. One note sounded a lot like the first sentence of this paragraph, which made me smile tonight. … “We’ve talked through a lot … explored thing I don’t even remember. I’m honestly trusting God that He will accomplish a work in me that I don’t even realize or am able to ‘assess’. I’m certainly trusting that He is guiding my friends, counselor, and now, psychiatrist, to care for me.”

Yep, several months into my counseling “era” Dianne suggested I visit with a psychiatrist due to her longterm observations. While re-reading the journal I remember the apprehension, yet nonchalance, with which I approached my first psychiatrist appointment. In fact, when he asked me what my thoughts were about the referral I stated, “I don’t know what to think. I am simply doing what I am told. As childish as that seems.” Over the last year I have had to rely on the wisdom and guidance of a few trusted people to direct me. In essence, during this time I have felt a little lost and ill-prepared for every part of the process.

After several visits with the doctor, I was surprised to see a diagnosis code for “Major Depressive Disorder – Moderate” on my exit form. If anything at all, I expected a benign diagnosis … typical moodiness associated with females and hormones, fatigue, poor nutrition, etc. and etc. …. definitely not a diagnosis from DSM-IV.

In my journal I noted quite a few “things I’ve learned or observed” during this time period, as well as a prayer:

  • “I am overwhelmed by the support and encouragement of friends. Julie N. and Mom have even said they are proud of me for taking steps to address this.
  • The last week has actually been a little more difficult since the diagnosis. I do not want to give [human] words power in my life but they have made this real.
  • I am more willing to exist in and admit (parts of) weakness since the diagnosis. It has given me reason to slow down.
  • My spiritual life has suffered. Yet my faith remains strong.”

“I pray for restoration:
May I be faithful to God. To the journey He is guiding me through. May this journal be a record so that I do not forget … these weeks, months, or years … the steps. That I do not forget the love and care of friends and family. That I do not forget the faithfulness of God. That I will be inspired and equipped to care for others out of my own experience. I never expected to be 32 years old … diagnosed with Depression … taking medication. May it be used to bring me to wholeness. To a greater love of God. A more full and honest understanding of His grace.”

Along with the diagnosis came a prescription for an antidepressent, Effexor XR. I am not a responsible “medicine-taker”, in fact … I forget to take tylenol when I have a headache. So, not only would I have to create new habits but I would need to address many internal apprehensions regarding the use of antidepressants. I am thankful for the women in my bible study. They are godly, wise women who gave great encouragement and counsel. Their friendship and advice provided me the confidence and peace to continue the regimen.

However, the medicine definitely was not a cure for what ailed.

In late April and March I journaled:

I want to write some things down that characterize my state of mind — on the way home from work yesterday I kept wondering if I would ever stop dreading things. It really doesn’t matter what it is – immediately after saying ‘yes’ … to friends, work, meetings, events, etc. … I don’t want to go. Fiercely.

I home got yesterday around 5 pm and immediately laid on the couch for a nap. I could not believe it when I woke up at 9 pm! I just decided to wash my face and climb into bed.

…

One thing marched through my head today, over and over, ‘I have nothing to offer of myself.’ Meaning … within relationships. I feel empty. Void of the strength to care or listen. I am distracted. I am self-centered. I don’t like this place because I have defined myself as the opposite. How long will it take to change this?

…

I took three and four hour naps over the weekend. I kind of feel like I’m starting to turn a corner … a big, long curve but the momentum seems to be there.

…

Things seem to be well on-track regarding counseling and medicine. I told (a friend) tonight that things seem to be ‘in color’ again. Today it definitely felt like I was fading a bit, but not bad. I still have the ‘I don’t want to’s” but they are over-ridden (willingly) most of the time. I really haven’t had any problems with the medicine. Praise God!”

Disappointingly, the euphoria and good-times would not last. By mid-August the medicine had caused an extreme spike in my blood pressure and a large weight gain. We decided the benefits of the medication did not outweigh the side effects and I began to transition onto another medicine. This was an anxious and somewhat scary period of time because I began experiencing withdrawal symptoms from the first medication. When I finally completed tapering off the antidepressant(s) I wanted to wait out the next month or two in order to determine if I “really needed” the medication.

Everything was chugging along normally for almost a month. I continued with my counseling and was encouraged by the “normalcy” I was experiencing. Abruptly, however, it became clear through the counsel of family, friends, and roommates that all was not well. I would begin visiting a new psychiatrist in late September to begin the process again.

Once again, it is time for me to get some sleep. I’ll try to finish this tomorrow. Maybe not, though … I’m writing a lot more than I intended, and yes … there is still much more background information regarding the current “state of affairs”. :-)