How do I sum up a lifetime of events and relationships that have led to the point where today I am on a leave of absence from my job? This post will probably not resemble a summary but a short-story. I must issue a caveat before we begin … don’t worry. Just use this as an opportunity to understand where I am in my journey today (and in the past).

Buckle up and settle in for a bit.

Sunday afternoons emit an image of laziness … naps, taking the family to a park, watching football, etc. Often, I would realize on Sunday evening that I had spent the last several hours sitting on my couch with no music or television playing. It was strange but I chalked it up to fatigue and the need for rest. This pattern probably began a little more than three years ago. I hated to waste time but was grateful I lived alone because no one knew what a bum I was! :-)

Eventually I did begin to take naps. However, they were not twenty minute “power naps” but two or three hour blocks of time after work, on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. This caused even more frustration but I didn’t feel that there was an alternative. I could not ignore the fact that I needed sleep. Living alone and these long, daily naps created an isolation that, at that time, I had no intention of remedying.

I already felt an element of isolation due to my role on staff at the church. One church member even stated, “It is unlikely that guys will ask you out since you’re on staff.” Several (girl) friends later agreed that they, too, were initially intimidated. My insecurities probably contributed even more because I tend to be somewhat shy in unknown situations. And although I had previously been on staff at a church, this role blurred the lines between ministry and friends, confusing me as to what “role” I should play in either situation.

These dynamics would all combine, along with an avoidance of telephone calls, so that my internal state of being was typically glum. However, I found great energy and joy with my job, friends, and family, so externally I genuinely exhibited joy, laughter, and compassion. This pattern would unknowingly become my default.

About two years ago I remember a vivid spring morning on my way to work … the crispness and color of the trees and sky struck me. A clarity and lightheartedness existed that day that was atypical. I began to long for those “color” days as I lived in a “black and white” world. Although my physical vision did not change I was operating in a fog that carried a weight and anxiety that seemed normal.

Life continued according to that normal. No questions were asked because nothing was assumed to be out of the ordinary by myself or other people.

Until, that is, I returned to Dallas from a day trip out of town in January 2007. As I saw the city skyline over the horizon I began to have an overwhelming sense of dread and the desire to leave. Immediately. I began to consider everyone I knew in other cities, potential jobs, and living situations. If I had perceived an adequate opportunity I would have left job, friends, and church behind without a second thought.

I was astute enough to realize that this wasn’t normal. :-)

That Monday was a monthly meeting for my departmental team (board). Again, an overwhelming sense of dread occupied my thoughts regarding the meeting. The dread and “don’t want to” had become normal, as well, over the last year or more, however, that night the emotions were heightened. A good friend joined me in my office before the meeting and I soon began to cry. Her response and encouragement gave me the permission I needed to truly acknowledge that this wasn’t normal either.

Twice within three days I had labeled my thoughts as “not normal”. With that realization I called a recommended Christian counselor and had a meeting scheduled with her for the same week.

Although I completed my undergraduate degree in Psychology I had never considered counseling a resource I needed to avail myself to. As an “older” Christian I knew my faith had survived countless trials. I knew that God could be trusted with the circumstances I found myself in and to provide strength in the midst of them.

I have been intrigued over the years by our (Christians) expectations of ourselves regarding behavior, habits, hobbies, spiritual life, food and drink, education, etc. and etc. I am convinced that we have damaged our ability to receive care from the body of Christ because we fear the reaction of others when we do not meet a perceived standard of excellence.

One of the first statements I made as I sat in my first counseling sessions was, “I don’t know why I am here, I just know I need to be.” …

It is way past my bedtime so I will leave the story there and finish it tomorrow! There is still a lot to write …